Emptiness and Insanity
by ChuChu43
Summary: I feel so empty, like there's nothing left. My heart is closed off. It doesn't exist anymore. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into the darkness. Surrounded by my own emptiness and insanity. My own depression. (if you feel depressed and you want to read something depressing, have a read)


Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail

* * *

I collapsed on my bed. I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep going on like this. Rolling onto my side, I buried myself into the sheets. I don't understand what she's thinking, I thought we had a mutual trust, a close relationship. Maybe it was just me though... Maybe she doesn't trust me the way I trust her... I trust her with my life, and she can't tell me anything, she can't tell me her problems. It hurts to think that way, am I not a good friend?

The warmth of my bed wrapped around me as I drowned in my sorrows. I wish I could talk to someone, but at the same time I can't talk to anyone. She doesn't talk to me, she doesn't come near me... she doesn't even look at me anymore... like she's avoiding me, like she doesn't want anything to do with me. She's so hard to approach... at first I thought it was nothing... but now... I feel so empty without her... my sunshine and positive influence is gone. I'm going insane with death.

I need her with me, I need her presence and her love... even though she doesn't like hugs... I need her smile and her laugh... her jokes and teasing... I'm so lonely... I'm surrounded by people and yet, I feel so alone. I feel like I'm fighting the world, everything around me is disappearing. I'm fading into the darkness. My voice has feelings have gone away with her. I'm cold. I only feel my own insanity, what is happiness when I have no one. She's gone, my happiness isn't with me anymore.

The pieces of my heart are missing, her friendly face is missing too. The words I need to hear to be able to live through my life, she's gone... Happiness doesn't belong to me anymore, it's been taken away... and given to another. I'm drifting between heaven and hell, stuck in the middle with no where to go. Empty. I'm completely empty, everything is gone now... replaced with loneliness, insanity, pain... death.

I hope she knows I'm here, if she cares I'll always be waiting. Is this better, life without me? I've been put to rest far away from her, but I'll wait a lifetime for a chance to be there for her again... a chance to become the friends we once were. She'd rather go on without me though, maybe this is better. I wasn't fit for kindness and love anyway... It's not something I'm capable of giving. She'll be better off without me... but I need her...

Fear. Watching her with fear flowing through my whole body. The fear of losing her forever, what if she never returns to me? If she walks away for good. She's so close to me, yet she's out of my reach... There's a distance between us filled with blackness... I can't see the end of the space... no way of closing the gap. The burning desire to move on, I can't move on... I can't move on to a place where she won't be... a place where I'm alone... I'm drowning my own fear...

Being her friend is tiring. confusing. frustrating. I can't do it anymore... but I keep going... I keep waiting for her... Trusting her... Because I love her with all my heart... She's the closest thing I have to a sister... I don't want to let go... I can't let go. I know her smile, her radiant smile that can make my whole day shine with happiness. I don't want to forget that smile... I don't want to forget her... to move on... I can't.

I wish I could go back to the times where we could laugh together, the times where we could talk nonsense and enjoy life. Now I've lost my closest friend... my piece of happiness is gone. I don't think she knows how much she means to me. How could she just walk away? Was it only me who felt a connection? Was I not good enough? Am I not good enough? Did I do something that hurt her...? I don't know... she won't tell me... she won't talk...

What does life mean to me now? Maybe I could find myself someone else to bring me happiness... but I can't. No one will ever replace her... she was the best thing in my life... I can't even bring anyone close to where she was... My heart is closed off. It doesn't exist anymore. I don't need a heart... my heart doesn't want anything. I will never need anything else. I don't need life. I don't need happiness.

Nothing matters anymore. I have no reason to keep going anymore. What is life... what is happiness... what am I worth? Nothing at all... Life is nothing, happiness is nothing... I am worth nothing at all. I can never go forward. I will never be able to keep moving, there's nothing binding me to life anymore. I have no reason to live. I don't need love... I need her... She's worth more than what a perfect boyfriend could give me. More than a life I could live with my ideal husband... She's worth so much more than that.

When I've lost her... when she's completely gone... what do I do with myself... The question keeps running through my empty head... There's so many answer out there... but I'm only content with one... death... Death means I've reached the end of my worth... The end of my chance to regain my happiness... The end of my life... I want my life to end. The end closes my story of sadness... loneliness... insanity... my story without her...

I closed my eyes and let myself fall into the darkness. Surrounded by my own emptiness and insanity. My own depression.

* * *

btw I have a facebook page, link is in my bio

If you want to chat with me, add me on facebook, just message my fb page and I'll give you the link

I really could use someone to chat to though, it would be nice

chu-chan


End file.
